A caesarean, a small mourning...

This was my first pregnancy and everything was going great. Fatigue and nausea in the first trimester, some dizziness in the third trimester, I'm lucky, nothing extravagant. Then there was that ultrasound. I'm told my baby is breech and it will be something to watch for. Baby please turn around, do what everyone else is doing! The next ultrasound, still breech.

I meet my belly at 9 months of my first pregnancy doctor, he tells me about a c-section. I have to admit that at the time, I didn't really realize what that meant besides a scar. I had a decision to make, to try the version or not. So I'm going to read what this beautiful version consists of (thanks Google). I am by nature quite small and my baby is taking up quite a bit of space in my belly. The doctor tells me that an attempt to turn the baby would probably fail under the circumstances. During my pregnancy, I had of course thought about the possibility that the delivery would end up as a C-section for some reason. But what I hadn't considered was that I might experience grief over the natural birth.

This mourning began when the doctor and I decided on my due date. I realized that I would not have the surprise of breaking my water somewhere unusual. I won't have the privilege of calling my lover in a panic, telling him that it's happening THERE and that we have to hurry! I won't have the privilege of feeling my body prepare and work hard to get this little wonder out of there (and all the pride that comes with it).

No, I'll be wired all over the place, in a room that is far too cold and bright, with dozens of doctors/nurses who, for them, are just routine (although they are all really nice). I will be all alone during the preparation, I will be small, feverish and anxious. Anxious, here, is really not the word. In life, I am a pretty calm person. I was true to myself until I walked into the room and sat down on the operating table. I was shaking. Cold and scared. I knew I was going to be cut open on that table in a few minutes. I was afraid that things would go wrong and I was also afraid of becoming a mom. I even dared to say to myself "why did I do this". I know, it's terrible. Maybe it was the probe or the needle in my back that was way too long. Everything is going fast in my head, but time is passing so slowly.

My lover is finally by my side, it goes fast, really really fast. I was afraid I wouldn't feel anything, but no, I felt her come out. No pain at the time, which is a good thing about the c-section (I didn't waste anything to wait haha). My lover exclaims that it's a girl. She cries (he does too), she is beautiful. We put her on me, WOW. I believe here that all moms understand the emotion in that last sentence. So here it is done. Well, almost, because during this magical moment, it works behind this curtain.My lover is finally by my side, it goes fast, really really fast. I was afraid I wouldn't feel anything, but no, I felt her come out. No pain at the time, which is a good thing about the c-section (I didn't waste anything to wait haha). My lover exclaims that it's a girl. She cries (he does too), she is beautiful. We put her on me, WOW. I believe here that all moms understand the emotion in that last sentence. So here it is done. Well, almost, because during this magical moment, it works behind this curtain.

A few weeks to get back on my feet and then I was ready to go again. Fourteen months later, a second planned c-section. I will always have this little disappointment with natural childbirth, but I think the pregnancy hormones and especially the postpartum hormones didn't help. I am now thinking more clearly (despite my mommy brain) and I know I am lucky that my deliveries went well. I have two healthy babies and that's the only thing that matters. I also have this little mark on my lower belly that reminds me every day that I did the most beautiful thing of all; giving life.

And you, did your delivery go as you wished?